Introduction Part 2 - Snake Climbs... Uh... Something to Infiltrate Zanzibar Land

And here we get a good look at our hero, Solid Snake - which is the most phallic secret agent name Konami could come up with. Actually, that's not true - the name of the main character from Rush 'n' Attack was "Enormous McCocklestein".

Anyhow, Zanzibar Land is again ignored by the world when they kidnap the scientist, and I'm presuming the game meant to say they did it before he got to publish his findings on Oilix. At least I hope so. Sucks when I have to write parts of the story for the game.

Interestingly, I would have thought the "sole nuclear power is a small agressive unstable nation" problem would have been holding the fate of the world, but what I do I know?

Oh wait! I get it! This grossly erroneous prediction is just a convenient explanation for why we didn't just invade the living shit out of Zanzibar Land! But assuming that Metal Gear, the nuclear equipped walking tank is involved, I bet this story has a lot more to it than just an oil-shitting microorganism...

Remember what I said about Kojima's stories being all over the place?

And the game begins with... what the fuck is this? A cartoon fox with a gun? What the hell? Okay, okay, I think it's the symbol for Fox-Hound, which is the group Solid Snake belongs to here. Right now, the game is loading - which I have no idea why my emulator is emulating that part, since technically, nothing's loading. I don't really need the experience to be *that* true to actually playing it on an MSX, do I?

Rather than parachuting in, or swimming like in the Playstation version, Solid Snake... uh... climbs up onto a rocky ledge from somewhere... okay, I guess it's not important how he snuck into the country. But know this - climbing was involved.

Snake decides to check in with Roy Campbell. Snake decides to be really overcautious and use a headset with his walkie-talkie. Okay.

Compliments on his punctuality don't seem to comfort Snake however, as he looks rather... er... nervous. What the hell kind of facial expression is that for a trained killer?

I'd just like to point out that the name of this operation is "Operation Intrude F014", which is some fucking coincidence considering that I named this very project "Operation Strategy Guide Write Z244".

Snake: "Yeah, thanks. I had entirely forgotten my mission briefing, where I was going, or why I'm even here. That's why the government pays me the big bucks."

Campbell shows you your radar system, which has "various sensors". Specifically, it shows you walls, enemies, and other walls. So, I guess "various" means two. What "many dangers" is he speaking of? Running into walls and enemies, of course!

Snake: "Uh, sir, what the hell is a screen? Are you playing video games during my extraordinarily late mission briefing again? I swear to God if you tell me that I can climb a ladder by pressing the 'Action Button', I'm going to cram my Codec up your ass! And by the way, could we maybe go over my equipment *before* I infiltrate the enemy base? And speaking of which where the fuck are my weapons? What kind of cheap ass army makes me steal weapons from enemy boxes and trucks? I hate this job!"

Oh, good! That's the kind of equipment I need on a mission of global importance - the kind that goes fucking haywire when I need it the most! Other Metal Gear inspired paraphenelia:

Metal Gear Uzi: This is a really powerful machine gun that spontaneously melts when it senses other gunfire.

Metal Gear Bulletproof Vest: This protects the wearer from bullets, provided they don't actually hit the vest. Then it just crumbles.

Metal Gear GPS Unit: Displays a digital middle finger onscreen.

Sure, my radar system goes apeshit if I'm discovered by the enemy, but some asshole has a tooth emitter that apparently doesn't require much in the way of battery life and got through undetected. Why was he expecting to get kidnapped anyway? Oilix doesn't sound like an alternative energy source name. It sounds like a K-Y alternative.

Thanks, Snake - I couldn't have figured that one out. That summary is good in case you just happened to suffer massive head trauma a second after reading all the previous text.

Roy: "Your next mission is to buy a slice of pizza."

Snake: "So let me get this straight. I have to find some kind of place that sells pizza, and trade money for a section of pizza. Let's go trade that money, then."

And so the mission begins...