Introduction, Part One: The Birth of Zanzibar Land - The Crappiest Named Nation

This is my favorite video game Engrish. "Konami Presents 1990." Thanks so much, Konami! That was a great year for all of us!

Now, I'd like to point out that the credits show different parts of Metal Gear along with the staff's names. This is Metal Gear's legs. Anyone else see a conspicuously placed gun anywhere? I already have a bad feeling about this game.

And here's Metal Gear, in all- I'm sorry, I can't get past this. THE GAME DESIGNERS GAVE METAL GEAR A PENIS?! What the fuck, man?! Who decided that a walking battle tank needed a dick? (Note: Is *this* the point where Kojima lost his mind?)

And here's the title! Metal Gear 2: Solid- I'm sorry, once more. Why a penis? Is it so Metal Gear can nuke Los Angeles and fuck Chicago? I mean, really, what... what... ah, forget it. Alright, enough. Onto the story.

Kojima shows off his amazing clairvoyance in the game's intro. With the end of the Cold War, no more nuclear threat! The nukes just magically disappeared as soon as Russia gave up! And everyone was happy! Well, actually, peace was not embraced by all, but I wouldn't be too hard on everyone, because some people don't like to embrace. Like shy people and Nazis.

Zanzibar Land forms a military government, but has its priorities fucked up, since I think changing its broke-ass name should be the first order of business. Seriously, "Zanzibar Land" sounds like my uncle's cheap knock off of Disney Land. He wasn't named Zanzibar, mind you, he was just fucking insane. Like Hideo Kojima.

Zanzibar gets agressive and starts invading. Now, you can start to see some of Snake's stuff in the background. He's bringing cigarettes to the mission, which is how you get healthy enough to be a super solider, a watch which is how he tells time, and an empty bullet casing, which is... pointless.

Pfft! Hideo's battin' 1000 in his predictions here! "Hey, let's drop all our nukes in an unguarded shed marked 'Nuclear Arms For Disposal'. The one next to that Zanzibar place that keeps invading other nations! Mr. President, are you listening to me? I was just kidding, wait-" Yeah, so this tiny invading country becomes the only nuclear power in the world. I'm sure every other country was just fine with that.

UN Person: "Secretary Annan, should we do anything about Zanzibar Land?"

Annan: "Actually, I don't start as Secretary-General until January 1, 1997. You want to talk to Boutrous-Boutrous Ghali."

UN Person: "Oh. Secretary Ghali, should we allow Zanzibar Land to become the world's only nuclear power?"

Ghali: "Fucks yeah, bizznatch!"

Okay, the game hasn't even started and Kojima is already all over the place. This is my main problem with his stories - there's way too much to be saved by the hero. Seriously, in Metal Gear Solid 2, it wasn't enough to save the president and 30 hostages from an environmental cleanup station in the Hudson River, you had to do that *AND* stop a nuclear walking tank from being mass-produced *AND* save the child of this Russian girl you don't even know *AND* take revenge against the guy who killed your parents *AND* figure out who the Patriots were *AND* interrupt Solidus' plan who was interrupting Ocelot and Fortune's Plan, which was part of the Patriots' plan *AND* stop Arsenal Gear from changing information on the Internet *AND* escape S3: Solid Snake Simulation which was actually S3: Something for Societal Sanity. (I'm really not making any of that up.)

So, in the midst of a global energy shortage, one scientist figures out how to make an ameoba that shits oil. Thank goodness! And he names it, "Oilix" which sounds a lot like something you'd name a sex jelly.

We're not done setting up the plot yet, kids! Click here for more!