Chapter XII: Beyond the Swamp Lies the World's Fastest Mercenary

Go south of the mines, and east to a swamp. Inexplicably, there's a child here in the back of the fortress who tells you that trucks drive over a swamp regularly.

Frankly, little boy, I don't believe you. But of course, for the purposes of the game, I bet I have to cross this swamp, don't I?

Now we're talking! The game makes you navigate another maze - only this time YOU CAN'T SEE THE WALLS! If you wander off course, Snake starts to drown. Oh boy! An invisible maze! I lied about hating mazes before. The invisible maze is something you encounter every so often in video games. And I REALLY, REALLY HATE invisible mazes. Invisible mazes make regular mazes look as awesome as a wheelbarrow full of tacos. Seriously, this game is fucking annoying at times.

Cross the swamp to find this compound and...

It's the second boss! "Running Man!" This is actually one of two Schwarzenegger Movie named bosses in this game (another boss is named Predator). Hey you know why you don't get any guests? Because you have an invisible maze here! By the way, I had forgotten the mines and then the gas mask, and this fucking game made me navigate the swamp three times. Thanks, Metal Gear.

Snake is pretty stupid. Why patiently wait for this guy to quit speaking when you could just shoot him in the face?

"And I'm the handsomest boy in emulation! Nice to meet you, R. Man!"

And then he runs off. I guess I'm supposed to be impressed. "World's Fastest Mercenary" sounds like an award not as good as "World's Greatest Grandpa", but at least as good as "Best Looking Corpse".

What main part? What the hell is he talking about? How about moving on to the "sense" part?

Nerve gas sounds like an EKG flatlining. At least it does when I play this game at the hospital I volunteer at when I'm supposed to be defribbulating. By the way, a defribbulator sounds like a device that would ruin a Friendly's Fribble (tm).

Oh boy! Boss #2, bitch! If the NASA ninja wasn't wacky enough, now the World's Fastest Mercenary is going to run in circles while the room fills with nerve gas! (How does he breathe it?) Could this game be any more realistic? I contend that it cannot!

Who will win this epic battle of gas vs. guns?