Chapter I: Snake Attempts To Sneak Inside. And Gets Caught Somehow. And Hides Behind Generators. A Bunch.

Head one... sigh... screen to the north to find the entrance to the fortress, and 2 guards. Also a lot of generators and stuff. Could Dr. Marv have already given up the secret of Oilix to those Zanzibar bastards? Did I actually just construct that ridiculous sentence?

Head in a truck to the east to find a giant can of cat food. This is good in case you get swarmed by hundreds of cats. Note that it's much, much wider than Snake's entire body. Also notice the very spacious truck you're in.

Oops! That's not cat food! It's ration B1! Rations are Metal Gear's way of restoring energy. So, remember, if you get shot in real life, just keep eating and you'll survive! Feel free to taunt: "Go ahead assholes! Fire away! I've got a big turkey dinner here that says you don't have enough bullets to take down my hungry ass!" Let's look at our equipment.

Lucky Strikers! The dumbest cheap "just barely not sue-able" name they could have come up with for a cigarette brand. Like "Larmboro" or "Portnews".

"Has many uses..." As an ex-smoker, I can tell you that cigarettes do have many uses! Like you can smoke them! Or use them for money in prison! Or... no, that's kind of it.

Chocolate? In a combat ration? What kind of spoiled fucking crybabies are in this army? "Whaaa! I want ice cweam in my wations! And bwack tar hewowin." (It's really cute the way they say 'hewowin'.)

Head north of the truck and you'll find a rather suspicious hole in the bottom of the chain link fence that you can crawl through. How do you crawl? Simple! Press spacebar and N at the same time! What intuitive controls! The best is if you fuck up and have a weapon in hand, spacebar fires it - effectively destroying your cover! Great! And N alone punches - if you hit a wall, it will alert enemies to your position! Awesome! Lesson learned? Try not to crawl.

At this point, Campbell calls.

Thanks, sir. Please call me everytime you have any bit of advice, no matter how trivial.

"Enemies don't like you. Over."

"If you get hungry, nothin' wrong with eatin', right? Over."

"Make sure not to die. Over."

Here's a picture of me crawling - well, lying down, really. Just in case you thought I couldn't do it. By the way, just to add realism to the mix, enemy soldiers can't see through chain link fences.

There's another convenient hole in the fence, but a guard is by it. Use the sophisticated "hide behind the generator" technique to avoid the guards. If you want, you can stealthily punch him three times to kill him. All guards take three punches to the head before they die. Y'know, just like real guards.

I got caught here, and am hiding behind another generator. Fortunately the guard is too stupid to look for me around... well, corners. Notice also, that my radar in the upper right corner is helpfully showing Japanese kanji. This almost makes too much sense.

And so the mission continues...